Boy am I chubby

It all started with the licorice.

We got the 5.5 lb bucket of Red Vines at Costco, and Justin, being the CMF (Chubby MF) that he is, ate 10 sticks all at once. It was like eating a candy bar.

So this summer, when we went to see Dark Knight as a team, I had to one up the CMF, by eating 20, that's one package of Twizzlers.

Today. At the Ironport (Cisco) sponsored viewing of the latest James Bond flick, I had two coworkers contribute one bag of Twizzlers, each. That's right, my gluttony knows no bounds.
40 pieces of Twizzler red licorice at once.

Followed by a brief sugar coma, and lots of water.

What are you doing?

The following is a fictional dialog inspired by true events from my friend Joe.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean, what am I doing?"

"Are you putting ketchup on your hotdog?"

"Yes. I am putting ketchup on my hotdog,"

"Get the fuck outta my car"

I'm an idiot?!

From my good friend... http://dizzypixel.tumblr.com/post/57164052/paris-blows-says-the-idiot

Paris Blows - says the idiot.

• Idiot: so what stories do you have Mr. World Traveler?
• Idiot: make it home with your cameras?
• Idiot: get the new mac book?
• Me: i did
• Me: no new macs
• Me: and no new stories
• Me: just exploring Paris
• Idiot: did you find any place that doesn't suck?
• Idiot: didja get a "Royal avec fromage"?
• Idiot: didja miss my incessent questions?
• Me: lol
• Idiot: does that mean "no"?
• Me: i love paris
• Me: everything about it
• Me: i wanna move there
• Idiot: uck
• Me: but no no mcee dees
• Idiot: you can have it
• Idiot: McD's was one of the highlights
• Me: actually knowing you dislike it so much makes me love it more!
• Idiot: well good
• Idiot: Paris in March blew hard
• Me: you and Brandon dislike the French so much
• Me: thats a good sign for me
• Idiot: yes, but maybe not
• Idiot: PARIS BLOWS
• Me: wow, really?
• Idiot: good place to go... ONCE

I went to Paris in March of 2000. It was rainy, drizzly, the WHOLE time there. And what should you expect in March?
Well let me tell you, I don't think the dog crap is seasonal. The Parisians walk their chiens and they crap on the sidewalk. They don't pick up after them. So in the rain and drizzle the sidewalks are littering sitting in poop soup.

Now let's talk about rude. I took two years of high school french. I know I am not fluent. I am not an expert, but I can "Ou est les toillettes?" with the best of them.

We're trekking from Le Tour Eiffel up Le Champs Elysees and we're looking for the subway station at Franklin D Roosevelt. We're tired after mucking about the fecal fountain of Paris all day and want to get back to our hotel. Did I say hotel? The place was a 4 star dump. I don't remember what we paid for the craphole, and I don't want to. At this point it'd only fuel the fire.

So anyway we tromp down the stairs to the ticket counter for the subway.
First I try the old "Parlez vous anglais?"
"Non"
"Ou est FRANKLIN D ROOSEVELT?"
"Je ne comprends pas."
I pick up the map, and hold it so that they can see.
"Ou est FRANKLIN D ROOSEVELT?" and I point at the Franklin D Roosevelt station.
"Je ne comprends pas."
There's been a line forming of freaking frenchies, and they are not happy that the fat dumb americans are holding up the file d'attente.

So after a minute of pointing and saying "Ou est?" to not only the idiot at the window, but the line that formed, we left. Hoofed it back up the stairs to the street.

One block away, I found the correct damn station. We bought our tokens, got on our train. And got back to the shithole hotel we stayed at.

My one redeeming moment in fucking Paris was our trip to the Louvre, where I noticed a McDonald's across the street.
"THAT is where we are going to lunch today!" I announce.
"No Bubba," Shelle says, "We didn't come all the way to Paris to eat at McDonald's."
"THAT is where we are going to lunch today."

So we zip through the Louvre. And when we leave, I beeline towards the Golden Arches. The others are on my heels. They can't beleive my determination.
I walked through the open door, up to the counter and ordered,
"ROYALE WITH CHEESE!"

Tots

So a few of us from work are heading to a vendor's place yesterday. But first we go to lunch with Justin, the reseller.

For a change of pace I get tater tots instead of fries with lunch. And the jokes start going around.
"Can I have some of your tots?"
"Nooooo! GOSH!"
etc.

Someone says that I should pack away some tots for the presentation at the vendor.
Justin likes this idea, "I've got 5 bucks if you can eat them during the presentation with a straight face."
I know there is no way I can keep a straight face doing it, and I say so. "But that's not to say, I'm not going to try."

We get to the vendor, and are conducted to a large conference room. We're a little bit into the presentation when they start passing around a basket of cookies. I pass the basket and take the opportunity to pull the tots from my pocket.

So Justin can see, I swivel, and push back a foot or so. I eat the four tots, and manage only to smile slightly. Pete is stifling a laugh, and Joe has to turn completely away from me. I can see his shoulders shaking as he giggles. As I finish the tots, it's pretty apparent that the guys are cracking up, and the presenter stops.

"Something pretty funny must be going on."
I turn to Justin, "That's five, baby. FIVE!"
He gets up from his chair, walks over, and lays the $5 bill on the table in front of me.
Amidst the laughter, I can hear him explaining the bet to the vendor.

Showing that he's a good sport, Larry, the sales guy, when asked if he would like a cookie answered, "No, but if there's any tater tots left..."

Just in case

Someone is looking for ideas for a Christmas present for me, this was sent to me by Eric.
http://sheldoncomics.com/store/books.html

At long last!

After I don't know how many years of waiting, anticipating, saving (ok... not so much of that) I finally got me a Mac Book. My G4 Powerbook just hasn't been what she used to be, in the last several months.

I am mesmorized by the speed of the MB, now suitably named "ChewyX". I got to have some fun giving good ol' Carter a virtual tour of the house, and my family he's never met, by carrying ChewyX around with iChat running.

So far so good with this new fangled technology!

Some People are Just Dicks

me: http://ciffus.blogspot.com/2008/08/pestering-pests.html

j: guess you had to be there

Pestering the Pests

me: wassup beaytches

E: cant hat now

chat now

kant

me: I can

so I'll just type in your responses

Me: so what's new?

E: is offline and can't receive messages right now.

me: E: Not much, you?

me: Me:Not much. So I don't have much to talk about.

me: E: Well, I have lots to talk about. I was propositioned by a wealthy Asian Amazon last night.

me: E: I am moving to the Asian Amazon to be her pool boy

me: Me: Wow, that's pretty awesome!

me: E: Yeah.

me: E: but I'm just kidding.

me: Me: OH! You got me!

me: E: LOL

E: did not receive your chat.

OMG

What you are about to see is the funniest, most inappropriate, video I have seen in a while.

http://failblog.org/2008/08/05/wii-fail/

Why so serious?

Took the familial entourage to the drive in last night.
First off, let me say "Dark Knight, third time. Awesome."

We've been wanting to go for years, but never have. Then in the last week, we've been watching the playlist.
Kung Fu Panda
Dark Knight
Hancock

Seemed perfect. Something for the kids. Then they fall asleep, and we have two more movies to watch, and it's cool if the kids are awake too.

But low and behold on Friday, they switch the lineup.
Dark Knight
Some stupid movie
Another stupid movie

Bummer.
So we went for the one show, and had a great time.

The movie drive in experience however offers a lot more than the neighborhood theatre.
Three movies, one price.
Kids 12 and under, free!
Bring a grill and cook out.

WHAT?! Yes, you read that correctly.
For every 5 cars there were 3 grills. People had the little kettles out with burgers, chicken, etc.
One group had a big table grill and bowls of salads, a dozen people at least.

And the grass area in front of the screen was filled with people throwing balls, frisbees, and just running around.

Something I'll want to do again sooner than later.

Freakin Jerks

So I go to the Cub's game, and Joe records the game on his DVR. We play it back and I take a vid with the digital camera. I post that vid to youtube, and guess what?
The freakin MLB blocks the content!
At $80 for a ticket, $4.75 for a hot dog, $6 for a beer, I can't show the world that my buddy Derek is front and center on the freakin TV?!

That is ridiculous.

What's next? No more Super Ropes?

Home again, Home again, Jiggitty Jig

Went down to Chicago this weekend for the Annual Cub's game, and had a ball. I had to check every seat to make sure they were well secured and in fine working order. Also hung out with some family as well. AND WATCHED THE DARK KNIGHT FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!!

Pics and video are available!

Ain't life grand?

So I'm leaving work yesterday. I've got my helmet on as I'm walking out the back door. There's my coworker Pete having a smoke. Time for some fun.

I start laughing loud and boisterous and go head first into the chain link fence, not once, but twice.
Then I go around him, and his smoking buddy, and hit the fence one more time for good measure, before heading home on the bike.

So I get in this morning. Pete had gone to the security cameras and pulled the footage!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO2EjV332QA

I don't feel so good...

Today was the first (annual?) hot dog eating contest at work.
I signed up and began my training. Eating a little more than usual for a few days.
Let me repeat that, Eating a little more than usual for a few days.

I came in 3rd with 7 dogs (with buns) in 3 minutes.

Don't believe me? See it for yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_N17HAkBKg

Sometimes I frighten myself

In an email exchange with one of my oldest friends, Professor Harrington, he sends me this picture and asks "can you name the location?"

I fire back with "Swamp castle from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy grail?"

"You, my friend, are a winner... this angle might be better...

It is actually the castle that they used for the whole movie (different sides).

It is Doune Castle in Scotland... I just got back from 5 weeks in Europe, but I didn't want to ruin the "photo quiz."

You rock..."


So now, all I can think of is "Fetchez la vache!"

Slow news Day

joejoe: i keep bustin carter's balls cuz he has not done anything with trish's's pix yet from November

12:54 PM me: I heard he wrote the accompanying letter to penthouse forums

joejoe: what letter is that?

me: penthouse forums.... Hello?

12:55 PM joejoe: what is the accompanying letter?

me: penthouse forums, where people write in with their various sexcapades

joejoe: i know htat

that

12:56 PM but where is the letter?

me: "Dear Penthouse Forums, I thought all your letters were bogus until this happened to me..."

uhm. it was a joke

joejoe: 16 DAYS!!!!!!

me: wow

joejoe: a flop of a joke

12:57 PM me: bad reception

it was killer

joejoe: some don;t work on IM

me: sure it does, reread it

fucking brilliant

joejoe: i keep bustin carter's balls cuz he has not done anything with Tricia's pix yet from November
me: I heard he wrote the accompanying letter to penthouse forums

12:58 PM genious

flawless

joejoe: um not really

anyway

But life for me aint THAT bad...

Of course things could be worse...

It's official, I suck!

In November 1987 I picked up my first guitar, a $50 Harmony sunburst electric from a catalog store in town.
I loved that thing, and spent my time learning to play it. I upgraded and upgraded and added to my collection. That's one thing about guitars (and guns for that matter), you can never have too many.
Over the past 20 years, I haven't gotten much better at playing, but it is still something I enjoy.

Then I stumble across this guy. His name is Sungha Jung, he's an 11 year old in Korea. He's been playing two years. He is an absolutely amazing guitarist!
Check out his youtube videos, you won't believe your eyes and ears.

In these waters, there be monsters

So I was at my nephews grad party this weekend. Thanks to K, I was sporting a nice new t-shirt. Some lady I don't even know comes up to me to comment "What does your skull and crossbones mean?"

"I'm a pirate" I tell her.
She gives me the look. So I decide to take her for a ride.
"Last year, I committed piracy on the high seas. And in doing so, now I'm a pirate."
"In fact, "I continue, "This year I helped Ryan (my nephew) commit piracy on the high seas. He's a pirate too."
This woman is obviously distressed, and Ryan's mom, Ann, sees it. She comes over to explain how I took Ryan on a cruise this year and I come clean and explain how we copied CDs (piracy!) so that we could say we were pirates.
I don't think she got it.

But at least maybe she'll stop asking dumb ass questions to stangers.

Pictures do say 1000 words

It was like the artist had me in mind when he designed this.



One day in 1997, I went to lunch with a friend of mine, as we often did. We went to Taco Bell, which I often did.
I ordered a cheese burrito (cheesarito) and a chilito. I unwrapped the two and lathered on the Fire sauce (but I don't think they had Fire sauce back then, just hot and mild).
I stuck the two together, and rolled them up.
Joe starts laughing as we're eating.
"You eat that thing like you're making love to it"

Feasting on Asphalt

What could be better than riding hundreds of miles on the back of a motorcycle? Eating the whole way up the Mississippi River from Louisiana to Minnesota. And that's exactly what TV personality Alton Brown did for his TV Series and subsequent book, Feasting on Asphalt.

I was watching Food Network one night when I saw the commercial promoting the new series. Intrigued, I checked it out online. It started to seep in exactly what that meant.
If the show was airing, that meant that they were done shooting. If they were done shooting, that meant they had already come through town.
SONUVABITCH!!!!!

I was pissed, livid that a fan like me missed out on an opportunity to see Alton in action.

Being an amateur stalker, I go to Alton's site every now and again, but it was about a month and a half ago I saw that he was going on a book tour to promote the book, Feasting on Asphalt. And, he was coming back to town!

So I waited, and today, after work headed on down to the Mall of America. Picked up two copies of the book, and began the wait.
It was about 4:30 when I got there. The book signing was scheduled for 6pm, and I was about the 150th person in line. One row ahead of me, was another TCMC member. So at least I got to do some chatting while on line.

The B&N people had us sheep squish together so they could get more people shoved into the back of the line. So Jason and I were no longer able to talk. Out came the iPod.
6 o'clock came and Alton came out for a 10-15 minute Q&A session. He was pretty quick on the comebacks. One idiot from Le Cordon Bleu actually asked him "What would you do for a Klondike bar?"
Alton disarmed the student, and ended the exchange with "What would I do for a Klondike bar? Nothing. Now go get me one."

Alton did a great job fielding the questions from the younger kids, but the one that brought down the house was an answer to a question posed by a young twenty-something guy from the back of the line.
"Alton, thanks to your show on pizza, I have a date this weekend. What should I serve for dessert?"
"Where is this date, at your house?"
"Yeah, at my apartment."
"Well I think the best thing for dessert would be breakfast."

After the Q&A, it only took about another hour and a half to make it up to the stage for my 45 seconds.

When I was "on deck" a guy came up to take my camera. I asked him to start taking as many pictures as he could snap off.

Alton introduce himself, and I responded in kind. I told him that he was signing for my daughter and my mother who couldn't make it to the signing. As he was saying "That's nice of you." he noted my TCMC tshirt.
He pulled aside my jacket so that he could read it.
"President and founder." I said proudly, pulling a TCMC business card from my pocket, "And we'd love to have you out on a ride, if you come through again."
He took the card, "I'm honored."
"The honor's all mine, sir."
And we fell into some chit chat. I told him that thanks to him, I was now doing the cooking at Thanksgiving and Christmas (see Good Eats Roast Turkey). And about how Shelle doesn't like cooking shows, but enjoys his as he is both informative and entertaining.

It was pretty cool meeting the guy, and he seemed to be an alright dude. But how pissed was I when I got home and looked at the pictures the guy from B&N took?

Cheap bastard

In the wonderful world of motorcycle ownership, owners tend to get bit by "the bug". Little customizations here, something there, to help "make the bike their own".
I am no exception, from the skull brake light, to the flags flying behind my seat, to the ghetto cruise control. The ghetto cruise control, a peice of plastic tubing tide to my controls that slips between the throttle grip and the housing. No need for the $200 Break away cruise control, or the $40 vista.

So along those lines, I needed some lowers. Those little peices of plastic that hang down below the windshield to help stop the wind from coming underneath, hitting my knees, and buffeting my face. (Explains a lot, I know.)
So why spend the $165 on Buck's lowers? Besides the fact that they won't work with my lowers (HAD to have those Cobra Fatty Highway bars), they are $165.
I thought I could do better.
So for $20 I went to Home Depot and picked some aluminum (aluminium?) and some plexi-glass.

Stupid and Horrible

ericc: oh yeah
my friend want a calendar
[tongue]
Sent at 12:59 PM on Thursday
me: there ya go! a calendar
Kat of themonth club

ericc: ugh
if only people would PAY
money will make me do things

me: things?
like what?

ericc: moeny
and u will find out

me: I got none to give

ericc: then we are done talking

ericc: feh to that

ericc: spare $50 for my calendar
I shall make you a personalized one
and send it to you in a year or twi

me: only if there's nipple

ericc: two
there is nipple

me: and it can't be your nipple

ericc: foiled!

me: I don't care if you wrap it in plastic wrap, I still don't want it.

ericc: you might
on those dark days
it may just be the light to salvation

me: damn
I'll stick with Jesus, not your nipple

ericc: my middle name is CHRISTopher

me: I think that those are words never used before in a sentence.

ericc: Keith Page: I'll stick with Jesus, not your nipple
I agree

me: yeah

ericc: thaht need to be posted

me: yeah, I guess
your blog or mine?
both?

ericc: mine

me: k

ericc: and yers of yo'd like

me: nah
too much work
unless I could post a pic of your nipple with the words
BUST OUT THE IPHONE

Sent at 1:53 PM on Thursday
ericc: http://dizzypixel.tumblr.com/
done
pretty funny

Sent at 1:55 PM on Thursday
me: yeah
so, can I have a pic of your nipple for my blog or what?

ericc: u can not

me: why not?!
dude, that would rule
think of the controversity!
or controversy
whichever
Man's nipple or Christianity?

ericc: email sent
iPhones rule

me: that's fucking awful!

ericc: yes sir

Some Stupid Humor inspired by my friend Westy

My friend Westy tells me this joke, and for some reason I decided to recreate it using pictures from my motorcycle club's party last year.

My awesome bike is now even more awesome

I came across a guy that did this on a 1300 forum. Liked it so much had to do it myself.

Start with one trailer hitch cover...
Find a nice spot to mount on the bike. Like the sissy back or something...
Get it mounted, and find a good spot to plug into... the brake lights will do!
Viola! They go bright when you hit the brakes.


Or check out how it looks on video!

Close call, but I'm doing fine

Was attacked by a vicious Gap-toothed Magilu.
Barely made it away!

Drink the joe? Make some mo'!

Pretty much every office has this issue. Two coffee pots. Both of them damn near empty.
It drives me nuts. The first thing I do when I go into the break room is make a pot. Period. Unless it's one of those rare moments where there are actually two full pots.
One time I walked into the break room and saw one empty pot, and one pot a quarter way full. 6 DBA's stood there waiting for some joe.
Instead of making a pot, I went and waited in line for a breakfast sandwich, and watched, out of my periph, each nerd fill their mug. AND THEN THEY WALKED AWAY!
I was astounded by their actions. I then watched another half a dozen people walk around that damn pot waiting for it to fill itself up.
I got my sandwich, made a pot, filled my mug and got out of there. My faith in humanity shattered even further.


But today I struck back.


I walk in to find one empty pot, and one damn near empty. I make a pot and step aside to fix up my mug with CnS. Dude is there finishing up his CnS. He steps to the pot.
"Did you get your coffee?" he asks me.
I look him in the eye, "No."
"So you're waiting on the fresh pot?"
"No. Not really."
I turn back to the CnS. He stands there wondering what to do for a good five seconds.
That's all it took for him to break. He snatched the last of the damn near empty pot and scurried the hell out of there.

Can someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with these people?